Thursday, November 16, 2006
updates anyone?
Well, I've been a bit busy lately, and haven't had time for a proper article to update this blog with, so I thought I'd post a couple of the comic strips I've been working on just so people will know that this blog is still active.
Soooo without wasting anymore time/space, here are a couple of Dramatizations strips. Just click on each one and they'll open up fullsize so they're actually legible and stuff.
Enjoy.
Soooo without wasting anymore time/space, here are a couple of Dramatizations strips. Just click on each one and they'll open up fullsize so they're actually legible and stuff.
Enjoy.
Tuesday, October 24, 2006
big trouble in little china will melt your face
Lawyer: I'd like to talk about your knowledge of the whereabouts of Jack Burton.
Egg Shen: You leave Jack Burton alone! We are in his debt! He showed... great courage.
Lawyer: Okay. But if I'm gonna be your attorney, then there are a few things I need to make clear. Like... you really believe in magic?
Egg Shen: You mean Chinese black magic?
Lawyer: Yes, I suppose.
Egg Shen: Oh, absolutely.
Lawyer: And, uh, things like spooks and demons and goblins?
Egg Shen: Oh, sure. And sorcery.
Lawyer: And I suppose you expect me to believe in sorcery as well?
Egg Shen: Of course!
Lawyer: Why?
Egg Shen: Because it's real.
Lawyer: How can I know that, Mr. Shen?
Egg Shen: How?
Lawyer: Yes, how? Help me out here. Please, how?
Egg Shen: See? That was nothing. But that's how it always begins. Very small.
When it comes to a film like Big Trouble in Little China, there are two kinds of people: those who have never heard of it, and those shouldered with the mighty burden of describing this western kung fu comedy Chinese mysticism buddy picture ghost love story to those who have never heard of it. If you are a member of the first group, there is a big empty hole in your life and you don't even know it. If you are member of the second group you probably hated this movie, which more than likely means that your spinal cord does not touch your brain. If you are a member of the second group and actually enjoyed this film, then congratulations, you are smarter than most people and you have no trouble knowing pure cinematic genius when you see it. John Carpenter's Big Trouble in Little China is a visionary film that was at least ten years ahead of its time when it was released in 1986. It blurs lines between so many film genres that it is almost impossible to list them all. Big Trouble in Little China is impossible to wrap one's mind around with a single viewing, and almost seizure-inducing once fully comprehended. Big Trouble in Little China is fucking absurd.
Meet Jack Burton: a hard workin' truck drivin' beer drinkin' no-nonsense man of the 80s who proudly sports a classic action-hero mullet and swaggers through life like he's dragging an eleven foot dinosaur cock everywhere he goes. He's the type of guy who wears his sunglasses while driving in a thunderstorm. As the film opens he is doing just that: flying down the rain-soaked freeway in his rig, the "Pork Chop Express," rambling into his CB radio that "It's like I told my third wife, 'honey I never drive faster than I can see, and besides, it's all in the reflexes.'" One could quite possibly pattern a drinking game around how many times Kurt Russell says something is "all in the reflexes." Along with spouting catch phrases into his radio, Jack likes to impart nuggets of sage advice onto his fellow truckers.
But Jack doesn't have all night to impart sage wisdom on the rest of the trucking fraternity, he's got to get whatever load he's hauling to Chinatown in San Francisco and beat the snot out of his best friend and a bunch of strangers playing cards. Jack's best friend is a handsome young restauranteur/kung fu master who doesn't have a problem keeping a straight face when he tells you his name is Wang. Either he's secure about his name because he knows he can kick your ass, or he learned to kick ass because his name is Wang. As it turns out, Wang can't pay off his debts to Jack immediately because he has to pick his lady love Miao Yin up from the airport. Wang is extremely nervous about picking his girlfriend up. He says he doesn't want to talk about it and then inconsiderately babbles incessantly about her for the whole ride. Suppose Jack had something he wanted to discuss? If this movie didn't take place in the 80s i would assume Wang is nervous because he has been carrying on a long-distance relationship with a woman he met on the internet and is about to meet her for the first time. Since this movie does take place in the 80s, I have to assume he's nervous because he is embarrassed that his name is Wang and he hasn't told her yet. He may also be nervous because Miao Yin has green eyes, and since she's Chinese that obviously means she's some sort of genetic freak. The possibility that other parts of Miao Yin may or may not be within tolerances may be starting to prey on his mind.
At the airport, our hero Jack decides to strike up a little conversation with the slut from Sex in the City. Being the smoothy we already know Jack to be, he wastes no time getting down to business.
Jack: Can I ask you a serious question?
Gracie: Absolutely not.
Jack: Well then would ever consider just jumping right into the--
Gracie: Sure, but never with someone in your condition.
Jack: Well let's talk about my condition, just what's wrong with it?
Gracie: You should try standing downwind where I am. It's Miller time.
Jack: You know what I say when it's Miller time?
But we never get to find out what Jack says when it's Miller time, because Wang's girlfriend Miao Yin shows up. Coincidentally, the hose beast from Sex in the City is picking up a (presumably) legal immigrant of her own named Tara. Don't worry about who Tara is or why Kim Cattrall is picking her up, because she won't be mentioned in the film ever again. About three and a half seconds after Tara and Miao Yin get off the plane, they are accosted by a group of hoodlums. Jack (and thanks to movie magic, we the viewers) are informed that these are members of the Lords of Death street gang. Apparently the Lords of Death's gang colors are awesome sunglasses. Our man Jack tries to intervene, but the LOD don't play that shit, and our hero gets his ass handed to him for the first, but far from last time in the film. Slut-lady takes off with Tara, the LOD kidnap Miao Yin, and Wang peels the recently-trounced Jack off the floor and everybody runs down into the parking garage. Jack bravely picks a fistfight with the LOD's bitchin' sports car, but is saved from certain doom at the last second by Wang. Jack getting saved from certain doom by Wang is another running gag that plays throughout the film. Jack, managing to pull off both a glorious mullet and spectacular hat-hair at the same time, stares off at nothing in particular in that classic action-hero way and declares: "Son of a bitch must pay." Jack and Wang jump back in The Pork Chop Express and the chase is on!
I'd like to say this is where things start to get crazy, but I would really be misleading you if I did. Wang leads Jack down an alley where they happen upon a funeral march being held for a member of a Chinese Tong known as the Chang Sings. I guess they had trouble getting permits or something because the funeral procession seems to be walking up and down some crappy side street and the marching band consists of one guy with a drum. Maybe they're just a low-budget gang, because they're all decked out in identical black and yellow outfits and not a single one of them has awesome sunglasses. Wang mentions that these are the good guys, but he doesn't have much time to bring Jack up to speed on what the hell is going on before Jack glances in his rear view mirror and notices that the bad guys have arrived. The bad guys all have identical black and red uniforms. They don't have awesome sunglasses either, but some of them have guns.
I'd like to say this is where things start to get crazy, but I would really be misleading you if I did. Wang leads Jack down an alley where they happen upon a funeral march being held for a member of a Chinese Tong known as the Chang Sings. I guess they had trouble getting permits or something because the funeral procession seems to be walking up and down some crappy side street and the marching band consists of one guy with a drum. Maybe they're just a low-budget gang, because they're all decked out in identical black and yellow outfits and not a single one of them has awesome sunglasses. Wang mentions that these are the good guys, but he doesn't have much time to bring Jack up to speed on what the hell is going on before Jack glances in his rear view mirror and notices that the bad guys have arrived. The bad guys all have identical black and red uniforms. They don't have awesome sunglasses either, but some of them have guns.
Jack: Hey Wang, these guys, these Sing Dings.
Wang: Chang Sings.
Jack: They got enemies?
Wang: Wing Kong.
Jack: Who wear red turbans.
Wang: Holy SHIT.
The red guys start shooting at the yellow guys who start shooting back. Lots of guys on both sides get shot and then everybody clears out for a minute. One by one all the yellow guys and red guys who are still alive come back out and stare at each other for a while. This is what Wang describes as a "Chinese stand-off." Wang warns Jack not to make a sound at exactly the same moment that one of the red guys starts screaming for no reason, and everybody pulls out various martial arts weapons and starts fighting. Jack, sitting in the cab of the Pork Chop Express, valiantly draws his boot knife.
Right about the time the yellow guys really start kicking ass, Raiden shows up. I'm not kidding, some duder with a wicker basket on his head slides down out of the sky on a bolt of lighting followed by two other guys with wicker baskets on their heads. These three presumed badasses deflect bullets with nothing but their sheer awesomeness and then break into an elaborately synchronized interpretive dance before commencing to kick the living shit out of the guys in yellow. Jack blasts the horn and hits the gas, and the guys with wicker hats all fly out of his path. That's when Jack runs over Lo Pan.
I hope I'm not giving anything away too early here, but Lo Pan is the tallest, most flamboyantly dressed 2000 year old sorcerer ghost of all time. He is also the villain of the picture. Jack drives the Pork Chop Express straight over Lo Pan, who shakes it off and is back on his feet by the time Jack hops out to exchange insurance information. Lo Pan is evidently suffering from some mean indigestion, because when he opens his mouth bright blue light pours out and temporarily blinds Jack. Wang and Jack beat feet the hell out of the alley and the plot moves forward...
Back at Wang's restaurant we learn that Wang's girlfriend has been sold to a prostitution house by the Lords of Death. We also learn that Kurt Russell looks terrible in a kimono and that the slutty woman from Sex in the City is a lawyer named Gracie Law (get it?). Jack argues on the phone with insurance agents about his "stolen" truck and receives a brief history lesson from Wang's uncle Chu.
This time we find Uncle Chu hanging out with Mr. Egg Shen, the "local authority on Lo Pan." I wonder what that gig pays. Anyway, it seems that Lo Pan needs to marry a green-eyed Chinese freak to break the curse that was put on his evil ass 2000 years ago. Oh, and he needs to kill her too. Egg Shen says a bunch more stuff that doesn't make any sense and then Jack and Wang set off to mount a two-man denim jacket assault on Lo Pan's hidden fortress. They get captured by henchmen in about three minutes and are brought before Lo Pan strapped into wicker wheel chairs. Lo Pan looks a little less healthy than he did before. He's in the middle of bringing Jack up to speed on what the hell is going on with his elaborate super-villain master plan when he catches a glimpse of Gracie and the two glorified extras on a security monitor and it really pisses him off to no end. Our two heroes are returned to their cell and lackeys are dispatched to kick Gracie's crew's collective ass.
Wang and Jack wiggle out of their restraints and begin to probing their holding cell for weak spots. Interestingly enough, the henchmen neglected to take away Jack's boot knife before they locked him up. Wang takes a breather to tell Jack some more stuff about spooky Chinese black magic, but is interrupted by one of the wicker hat guys. Jack jumps on his back and threatens to cut his throat, but wicker basket man defeats him by inflating his body until Jack is thrown clear. Then everyone runs away. Also, now Jack and Wang both have guns.
Meanwhile, Lo Pan is busy molesting the unconscious Miao Yin's internal organs with his evil intangible ghostly hands. Gracie and her friend the extra have been captured by other lackeys and thrown into cages with countless asian women. We are treated to a nice scene in which Wang gets his nuts kicked out by female martial arts mistresses, and Jack and Gracie engage in a bit of light bondage fetish play before Jack frees all the women by shooting the doors of their cages. Everybody makes a break for it by swimming through a huge water pipe that runs through part of the building for no reason. Gracie gets all wet again in the water pipe when Jack initiates fails to prioritize an impromptu makeout session. Jack then leads the charge out of the sewer and they're almost home free. That is, until about a hundred guys in black and red show up and start yelling and jumping around. Jack's gun jams immediately, and then he loses his boot knife trying to free it from its sheath. Wang lays the smack down on all the bad guys while Jack looks for his knife off-camera. He misses the entire fight.
You know, it's beginning to seem like Jack Burton isn't the hero of this movie at all. He hasn't done anything so far to move the plot along or help defeat evil. In fact, he seems to be little more than Wang's sidekick; just someone to provide some comic relief and give something for Kim Cattrall to get wet about. Speaking of Gracie, she gets kidnapped by a huge ugly monster while everyone is escaping, and now both Wang and Jack are pissed off to no end about having their girls stolen by Lo Pan. Clearly a man who knows when things are going his way, Lo Pan notices that Kim Cattrall has green eyes too, and decides he shall marry both Gracie and Miao Yin.
Back at the restaurant... again... Jack and Wang join forces with the Chang Sings and Egg Shen and prepare to go against Lo Pan again. Wang trades in his denim jacket for a sporty aviator's jumpsuit and Egg Shen grabs a whole bunch of weird crap off a shelf and they're ready to go. This time, however, instead of going through the front door, Egg Shen decides to lead everyone down a fireman's pole that leads underneath the restaurant. Jack, naturally, is skeptical. But Egg's cryptic Zen logic cannot be denied.
Right about the time the yellow guys really start kicking ass, Raiden shows up. I'm not kidding, some duder with a wicker basket on his head slides down out of the sky on a bolt of lighting followed by two other guys with wicker baskets on their heads. These three presumed badasses deflect bullets with nothing but their sheer awesomeness and then break into an elaborately synchronized interpretive dance before commencing to kick the living shit out of the guys in yellow. Jack blasts the horn and hits the gas, and the guys with wicker hats all fly out of his path. That's when Jack runs over Lo Pan.
I hope I'm not giving anything away too early here, but Lo Pan is the tallest, most flamboyantly dressed 2000 year old sorcerer ghost of all time. He is also the villain of the picture. Jack drives the Pork Chop Express straight over Lo Pan, who shakes it off and is back on his feet by the time Jack hops out to exchange insurance information. Lo Pan is evidently suffering from some mean indigestion, because when he opens his mouth bright blue light pours out and temporarily blinds Jack. Wang and Jack beat feet the hell out of the alley and the plot moves forward...
Back at Wang's restaurant we learn that Wang's girlfriend has been sold to a prostitution house by the Lords of Death. We also learn that Kurt Russell looks terrible in a kimono and that the slutty woman from Sex in the City is a lawyer named Gracie Law (get it?). Jack argues on the phone with insurance agents about his "stolen" truck and receives a brief history lesson from Wang's uncle Chu.
Uncle Chu: China is here, Mr. Burton. The Chang Sings, the Wing Kong... they've been fighting for centuries.Gracie, Jack, and Wang hatch a plan to rescue Miao Yin from the brothel involving dressing Jack up in a bad suit and sending him in to get laid. Gracie sits in the car soaked from the rain (yum) and waits with Wang and a couple of random characters who don't matter much while Jack goes inside. Minutes before Jack gets to check out some choice imported goods, the three Raiden look-a-likes show up again and wreck the whole place. Miao Yin is kidnapped again, Jack gets his the shit kicked out of him again, and our heroes find ourselves right back at the restaurant.
Jack: What does that mean, huh? China is here? I don't even know what the hell that means.
This time we find Uncle Chu hanging out with Mr. Egg Shen, the "local authority on Lo Pan." I wonder what that gig pays. Anyway, it seems that Lo Pan needs to marry a green-eyed Chinese freak to break the curse that was put on his evil ass 2000 years ago. Oh, and he needs to kill her too. Egg Shen says a bunch more stuff that doesn't make any sense and then Jack and Wang set off to mount a two-man denim jacket assault on Lo Pan's hidden fortress. They get captured by henchmen in about three minutes and are brought before Lo Pan strapped into wicker wheel chairs. Lo Pan looks a little less healthy than he did before. He's in the middle of bringing Jack up to speed on what the hell is going on with his elaborate super-villain master plan when he catches a glimpse of Gracie and the two glorified extras on a security monitor and it really pisses him off to no end. Our two heroes are returned to their cell and lackeys are dispatched to kick Gracie's crew's collective ass.
Wang and Jack wiggle out of their restraints and begin to probing their holding cell for weak spots. Interestingly enough, the henchmen neglected to take away Jack's boot knife before they locked him up. Wang takes a breather to tell Jack some more stuff about spooky Chinese black magic, but is interrupted by one of the wicker hat guys. Jack jumps on his back and threatens to cut his throat, but wicker basket man defeats him by inflating his body until Jack is thrown clear. Then everyone runs away. Also, now Jack and Wang both have guns.
Meanwhile, Lo Pan is busy molesting the unconscious Miao Yin's internal organs with his evil intangible ghostly hands. Gracie and her friend the extra have been captured by other lackeys and thrown into cages with countless asian women. We are treated to a nice scene in which Wang gets his nuts kicked out by female martial arts mistresses, and Jack and Gracie engage in a bit of light bondage fetish play before Jack frees all the women by shooting the doors of their cages. Everybody makes a break for it by swimming through a huge water pipe that runs through part of the building for no reason. Gracie gets all wet again in the water pipe when Jack initiates fails to prioritize an impromptu makeout session. Jack then leads the charge out of the sewer and they're almost home free. That is, until about a hundred guys in black and red show up and start yelling and jumping around. Jack's gun jams immediately, and then he loses his boot knife trying to free it from its sheath. Wang lays the smack down on all the bad guys while Jack looks for his knife off-camera. He misses the entire fight.
You know, it's beginning to seem like Jack Burton isn't the hero of this movie at all. He hasn't done anything so far to move the plot along or help defeat evil. In fact, he seems to be little more than Wang's sidekick; just someone to provide some comic relief and give something for Kim Cattrall to get wet about. Speaking of Gracie, she gets kidnapped by a huge ugly monster while everyone is escaping, and now both Wang and Jack are pissed off to no end about having their girls stolen by Lo Pan. Clearly a man who knows when things are going his way, Lo Pan notices that Kim Cattrall has green eyes too, and decides he shall marry both Gracie and Miao Yin.
Back at the restaurant... again... Jack and Wang join forces with the Chang Sings and Egg Shen and prepare to go against Lo Pan again. Wang trades in his denim jacket for a sporty aviator's jumpsuit and Egg Shen grabs a whole bunch of weird crap off a shelf and they're ready to go. This time, however, instead of going through the front door, Egg Shen decides to lead everyone down a fireman's pole that leads underneath the restaurant. Jack, naturally, is skeptical. But Egg's cryptic Zen logic cannot be denied.
Jack: Yeah, where does this go now? Exactly?
Egg: Down. Lo Pan is down there.
Jack: Down where?
Egg: (laughs) Where is the universe?
Any moment in this film where Egg Shen and Jack share dialogue scene is nothing short of pure cinematic gold. No one seems to know where the fireman's pole leads but seeing as how he's the local Lo Pan expert, they decide to follow Egg on down anyway.
Back in the evil fortress, Lo Pan does a little sweet talking with his two brides-to-be before blasting them both with some more mouth-light and getting them ready for some mystical "tests of bravery." These tests of bravery are of course a complete crock of shit due to the fact that both Gracie and Miao Yin are not what I would call conscious while the tests are taking place. There's a nifty montage consisting of footage of Jack and the rest of the good guys traversing the creepy underground passage and some more interperative dance from the three wicker guys, this time in slow motion. The two green-eyed ladies pass all the tests with flying colors and Lo Pan orders his flunkies to prepare them for the wedding ceremony. The two women are dressed up nice and fancy and then wicker lighting guy throws some electricity around, causing both women's eyes to go completely white. Call me crazy, but I would think that negates the whole "green eyes" thing. Nobody seems worried about it, so why should we be?
Elsewhere, the good guys encounter a "Guardian" which looks an awful lot like one of those Madball things. And no I'm not talking about the worst hardcore band of all time, I'm talking about the toys. Now our heroes are in real trouble, because "what the Guardian sees, Lo Pan knows." Egg Shen yells at the guardian for a minute before Jack shoots it and it flies away. Then everyone ducks off into a nice little evil tiki bar and Egg Shen declares that it is "time for the medicine!" Egg proceeds to pour a jigger of Funky Cold Medina for everyone while trying to bring Jack up to speed on what the hell is going on, and Wang gets patriotic for a second.
Back in the evil fortress, Lo Pan does a little sweet talking with his two brides-to-be before blasting them both with some more mouth-light and getting them ready for some mystical "tests of bravery." These tests of bravery are of course a complete crock of shit due to the fact that both Gracie and Miao Yin are not what I would call conscious while the tests are taking place. There's a nifty montage consisting of footage of Jack and the rest of the good guys traversing the creepy underground passage and some more interperative dance from the three wicker guys, this time in slow motion. The two green-eyed ladies pass all the tests with flying colors and Lo Pan orders his flunkies to prepare them for the wedding ceremony. The two women are dressed up nice and fancy and then wicker lighting guy throws some electricity around, causing both women's eyes to go completely white. Call me crazy, but I would think that negates the whole "green eyes" thing. Nobody seems worried about it, so why should we be?
Elsewhere, the good guys encounter a "Guardian" which looks an awful lot like one of those Madball things. And no I'm not talking about the worst hardcore band of all time, I'm talking about the toys. Now our heroes are in real trouble, because "what the Guardian sees, Lo Pan knows." Egg Shen yells at the guardian for a minute before Jack shoots it and it flies away. Then everyone ducks off into a nice little evil tiki bar and Egg Shen declares that it is "time for the medicine!" Egg proceeds to pour a jigger of Funky Cold Medina for everyone while trying to bring Jack up to speed on what the hell is going on, and Wang gets patriotic for a second.
Egg: Cheers!
Jack: Uhhh this does what again, exactly?
Egg: Huge buzz! You can see things no one else can see, do things no one else can do!
Jack: Real things?
Egg: As real as Lo Pan!
Jack: Hey, what more can a guy ask for?
Egg: (shakes a big furry thing wrapped around his torso) A six-demon bag!
Jack: Terrific, a six-demon bag, sensational, what's in it Egg?
Wang: Here's to the Army and Navy and the battles they have won. Here's to America's colors, the colors that never run.
Jack: May the wings of liberty never lose a feather.
Everybody downs their shots, Jack burps heroicly, and the whole crew of drunkards piles into an elevator which is headed-- you guessed it-- down. Eventually our band of merry drunkards winds up at Lo Pan's wedding and a huge battle erupts between hundreds of Wing Kong fighters and a dozen or so of Jack and Wang's guys. After knocking himself out and spending the first five minutes of the fight unconscious, Jack spends the last five minutes of the fight uselessly stuck under the heavy armored body of one of the ceremonial guards. Wang takes out one of the three wicker guys in this fight and lots of guys in red head bands get chopped the hell up. There are lots of moves in this scene that you might recognize from the Matrix Trilogy. Egg Shen and Lo Pan square off in an epic magical wizard duel that was clearly ripped off twenty years later by George Lucas for Attack of the Clones. Come to think of it, I never realized until now how much Egg Shen and Yoda look alike. Anyway, Egg and Wang manage to halt the wedding and Jack gets off his heroicly useless ass and joins in the chase after the fleeing Lo Pan. Inexplicably, they pause for a moment so Gracie can get negative while wearing a silly hat.
Gracie: You have a gun, I hope?
Jack: A knife.
Gracie: Against Lo Pan? He's eleven feet tall!
Jack: Seven. Besides, I can take him. I took something. I can see things no one else can see. Why are you dressed like that?
Gracie chews up a little more screen time bringing Jack up to speed on what the hell is going on with the wedding and everything before making out with him some more, and then Egg reminds them that they really should shake a leg.
Back in the "tests of bravery" room, Wang and Jack face Lo Pan and one of the remaining two wicker guys. Where's Egg? I really don't think it's appropriate for the septuagenarian sorcerer to have an Alzheimer's moment at this crucial stage of the assault. Despite the fact that the only guy who has been remotely effective so far has disappeared, our two heroes decide to try to finish off the bad guys without him. Wang spends a few minutes chasing the big wicker hat guy around through halls and doorways a la Scooby Doo while Jack throws his boot knife at Lo Pan's head and fails spectacularly to hit him. Lo Pan reaches down and picks it up, and pauses to admire the knife's quality before throwing it with deadly accuracy at Jack. In the single instance in the entire film that the hero character does anything hero-like Jack catches the knife thrown by a 2000 year old evil sorcerer and throws it back at him, nailing him right between the eyes. Not only does this kill Lo Pan, but it kills the his entire evil fortress. As Miao Yin and Gracie look on in amazement of his manliness, Jack naturally reminds them-- and us-- that it's "all in the reflexes."
The big wicker guy stops chasing Wang around and begins crying at the sight of his dead evil ghost master. The he holds his breath like a big baby and inflates himself until he explodes. Luckily, Egg Shen has found a way up to the next level of the evil fortress, and pulls everyone to safety before inflatable wicker guy pops. Then there's a short and conspicuously easy battle against electric wicker guy, Jack finds his truck, and everybody hauls ass back to the restaurant.
While everybody gets shitfaced celebrating their victory over ancient evil, Jack notices Egg Shen pulling a fade away and stops him to ask where he's going. Egg says his work is finished and it's time for a vacation. In an unexpectedly racist move, Jack suggests he go back to China. Egg informs him that "China is in the heart. Wherever I go, She's with me," and slips out into the rainy night. Jack finally gets his money from Wang and shares some fairly unromantic parting words with Gracie before heading for the door. One of the extras speaks up in protest.
Back in the "tests of bravery" room, Wang and Jack face Lo Pan and one of the remaining two wicker guys. Where's Egg? I really don't think it's appropriate for the septuagenarian sorcerer to have an Alzheimer's moment at this crucial stage of the assault. Despite the fact that the only guy who has been remotely effective so far has disappeared, our two heroes decide to try to finish off the bad guys without him. Wang spends a few minutes chasing the big wicker hat guy around through halls and doorways a la Scooby Doo while Jack throws his boot knife at Lo Pan's head and fails spectacularly to hit him. Lo Pan reaches down and picks it up, and pauses to admire the knife's quality before throwing it with deadly accuracy at Jack. In the single instance in the entire film that the hero character does anything hero-like Jack catches the knife thrown by a 2000 year old evil sorcerer and throws it back at him, nailing him right between the eyes. Not only does this kill Lo Pan, but it kills the his entire evil fortress. As Miao Yin and Gracie look on in amazement of his manliness, Jack naturally reminds them-- and us-- that it's "all in the reflexes."
The big wicker guy stops chasing Wang around and begins crying at the sight of his dead evil ghost master. The he holds his breath like a big baby and inflates himself until he explodes. Luckily, Egg Shen has found a way up to the next level of the evil fortress, and pulls everyone to safety before inflatable wicker guy pops. Then there's a short and conspicuously easy battle against electric wicker guy, Jack finds his truck, and everybody hauls ass back to the restaurant.
While everybody gets shitfaced celebrating their victory over ancient evil, Jack notices Egg Shen pulling a fade away and stops him to ask where he's going. Egg says his work is finished and it's time for a vacation. In an unexpectedly racist move, Jack suggests he go back to China. Egg informs him that "China is in the heart. Wherever I go, She's with me," and slips out into the rainy night. Jack finally gets his money from Wang and shares some fairly unromantic parting words with Gracie before heading for the door. One of the extras speaks up in protest.
Margo: Well, God, aren't you even gonna kiss her goodbye?
Jack: Nope.
And so we end up right where we began, with Jack behind the wheel of the Pork Chop Express, cruising through a rainstorm at well over the speed limit with his sunglasses on and annoying the shit out of every truck driver within range by talking nonsense into his CB radio.
Fade to black, cue the cheesy music.
As i look back over this review, it occurs to me that I haven't even come close to capturing how awesome this movie is. This isn't the first or the last time Kurt Russell and director John Carpenter would work together, but I feel this is definitely the pair's best effort. Big Trouble in Little China failed to connect with theater audiences in 1986 but has achieved a massive cult following and was one of the first films to take a dump at the box office but do extremely well on home video. The martial arts fighting is superbly choreographed, and there are plenty of great sound effects, facial expressions, and screams to satisfy fans of old school high-flying kung fu movies like Five Deadly Venoms or Shaolin vs Wu Tang. The entire ensemble cast does an amazing job of staying straight-faced during some of the most hilariously absurd situations imaginable. The original music score penned by Carpenter himself helps to keep the movie charging along at a fast pace. There's a lot going on in this film, and it really does take more than one viewing to catch it all. Pick it up next time you're at the video store. You'll be glad you did. Not recommended as a date movie.
Wednesday, October 18, 2006
HORSE the Band: the name may not mean anything to you, but to thousands of fans worldwide they are the first and last name in experimental tongue-in-cheek synth-accented metalcore. I think I just invented a whole new genre of music to describe the coolness that is HORSE. Formed in 2001 in Lake Forest, California, HORSE the Band has built an immense following worldwide. Their explosive live shows and ridiculous antics have made them not only a great band to see, but also a great band to party with. I wouldn't recommend letting them crash at your house.
Over the years, HORSE has changed members numerous times, with the core power triad of Nathan Winneke (vocals), David Isen (guitar) and Erik Engstrom (keyboards), and a revolving door of drummers and bassists. The current bassist and drummer are Dashiell "Dash" Arkenstone and Chris Prophet respectively, but all the pictures you will see in this article feature Andy Stokes on bass and Eli Green on drums because, well, these guys aren't all that quick about updating their website.
HORSE the Lyrics
While these video game-based songs are all fine and good, I consider one of their best tunes to be "A Million Exploding Suns" from the aforementioned Mechanical Hand. The song tells the story of Robert Reynolds, a fictional Marvel comic book superhero known as the Sentry: a man possessing the power of a "million exploding suns". The all-powerful Sentry is locked in constant conflict with his dark side, a being known as the Void. Taken on their own, of course, the lyrics can have many different meanings; the song is at once narrative and introspective. The subject matter is identifiable if one is a fan of the comic character, but also if one identifies with feelings of duality within oneself. The Sentry is a man who has forgotten part of his past, part of his identity. Every good thing he accomplishes is in danger of being destroyed or nullified by the Void. He is a man who knows that he is great, but is afraid of that greatness and the potential for disaster that comes with it. Aren't we all? It is Winneke's unique ability to blend both personal and fantastic elements together in his lyrics that gives them more depth and profundity than he is usually accredited with.
HORSE the Music
Of course, it doesn't hurt that the instrumentation accompanying these lyrics totally rocks. HORSE's music is both brutally heavy and intricately melodic. Guitarist Dave Isen's propensity for exotic, odd-time riffage gives HORSE's music an edge of technicality that is rarely seen in the genre of "modern hardcore" or whatever you want to call it this week. Many bands claim to be technical, writing off-time riffs and solos that sound just plain wrong. If you're going to write music using unusual time signatures, take a page from Dave's book and make sure it fits with the rest of the song. I've seen this band live maybe four or five times, and as far as I know Dave only has the one pink guitar.
Keyboardist Erik Engstrom uses a vintage Korg MS2000 synthesizer to add even further layers to HORSE's music. His contribution to their music is one of the main things that sets them most apart from other bands in their genre, and yet it is also the element which draws the most criticism from close-minded fans of hardcore music. For every HORSE the Band fan who can't get enough of the computer-like melodies emanating from Erik's mighty machine, there is a naysayer who holds to the belief that keyboards have no place in rock. At times Engstrom's keyboarding
stands at the forefront of the song, taking center stage and forming the basis for the rest of the band to play around. Sometimes the influence of the keys is barely there, content to hang out in the background of the melody and enhance the music from a bit more of a distance. Without keyboards, indeed without Erik Engstrom, HORSE the Band would not be half as interesting or original.
Considering how many line-up changes HORSE's rhythm section has gone through over the past five years, it is amazing that they always sound so tight live. Just like their albums, HORSE's live shows are seamless and cohesive. Anyone who has heard and enjoyed any of their recorded music will not be disappointed by a live performance that does not live up to expectations. If anything, their live shows are more exciting due to the sheer volume of energy and intensity HORSE brings to the stage when they play.
HORSE the Antics
If you haven't personally met any of the members of this band, there isn't much one can say to make you believe how raucous and rowdy these boys can be. Their live performance is truly a thing to behold, but if you don't get the chance to party after the show with these guys, you're missing out. For those deemed uncool and therefore not clued in to where the party is going down, there's always their epic tour DVD entitled Effing 69. Capturing some of the craziest moments from their world tour in support of R. Borlax, this beautiful piece of filmmaking is hilarious, moving, and at moments downright gross. For a band who has caught alot of flack from pretentious hardcore fans over the years for referring to each other as "fags" on stage, there sure is a lot of gay shit going on in the tour video. From Dave's notorious whiskey enema, self administered in front of an apartment full of people, to Erik assisting in the application of Andy's anal suppository, these guys just can't get enough of the homoeroticism. If four grown men in spandex frolicking in a jaccuzi isn't gay, I don't know what is. I think this proves the haters wrong: these guys aren't homophobes. They gay it up just as much as the next guy. They don't use words like "fag" and "homo" in a negative way. Seems to me they're simply stating the obvious more often than not.
Let me tell you a story: HORSE the Band was on tour in support of R. Borlax when they bre
ezed through my hometown and played at an all-ages venue called the Darkroom. The show itself was one to remember, but it was the time afterwards spent trying to keep up with these party machines that was the most fun. My date and I were both excited about seeing these guys live, and let me tell you, there's nothing like having a cute girl on your arm to get the attention of musicians. She quickly arranged for a friend's apartment to serve as a staging area for the band and several show-goers to get rip-roaring trashed. Sweet god these guys are loud. To a man, they are very comfortable being the center of attention in any given situation, and they don't mind putting on a show long after the venue has shut its doors and the gear has been packed away. My date clued them in to the fact that there was an 80s night at one of the bars in town, and the members of HORSE quickly donned the shortest shorts I have ever seen worn by adult men. They were no strangers to accessorizing either, it seemed, for they quickly produced ringed tubesocks and sweatbands and demanded to be taken to where dancing could be done, and libations could be had. For the second time that night, HORSE the Band stole the show. Also, for the first time that night, but I would wager certainly not the first time of the tour, one of their ranks stole my date, who wound up booty-shaking with Dave most of the evening and dropping me off early and then went back to where HORSE was staying to "make sure they had everything they needed." Hey, I don't hold it against them.
HORSE the Gourmets
Earlier this year, HORSE the Band dropped out of their tour with Portugal. The Man earlier than expected. The band's official reason given for being unable to continue the tour was that they were in Illinois eating authentic Chicago-style pizza. Claiming further that it was the best pizza they'd ever eaten, they announced plans to write and record a five-song EP entitled Pizza in celebration of this wonderful delicacy, consisting of four original songs and a spirited cover of the 90s classic Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles cartoon show theme song. If you haven't already guessed, every song on the EP is in fact about pizza.
After recording Pizza, HORSE the band made several stops on the Vans Warped Tour and played a show or two with legendary shock-metal band GWAR. In the fall of this year HORSE began touring with British power metal band Dragonforce, and they plan to have a new full-length album recorded by the middle of next year. In a recent news post on their official site, the band had this to say about their upcoming third album:
"It is going to be the best album ever. It isn't going to sound like Pizza or The Mechanical Hand, it is going to sound better, with better parts that you can't even conceive of! And we are going to take it to the next level, if you can even believe that!"
I can.
Over the years, HORSE has changed members numerous times, with the core power triad of Nathan Winneke (vocals), David Isen (guitar) and Erik Engstrom (keyboards), and a revolving door of drummers and bassists. The current bassist and drummer are Dashiell "Dash" Arkenstone and Chris Prophet respectively, but all the pictures you will see in this article feature Andy Stokes on bass and Eli Green on drums because, well, these guys aren't all that quick about updating their website.
HORSE the LyricsEarly in their career, the music created by these groundbreaking minstrels was dubbed Nintendocore, a description they have striven to surpass ever since. To quote vocalist Nathan Winneke: "...There are only three of our songs which reference Nintendo characters. I was reading some review of our new album [2005's The Mechanical Hand] and this guy was trying to link all our songs to Nintendo, I was like, 'what the fuck!?' " Truth told, their songs touch on a variety of topics and lyrical styles, from absurdist ramblings to epic tales of battle and conquest; from personal anecdotes to yes, songs about various fictional characters. True, HORSE the Band's lyrics have occasionally referenced such 8-bit Nintendo characters as Birdo from Super Mario Brothers 2, and the MegaMan villain Cutsman. References to both characters appear in songs bearing the characters' names, the former on the 2005 release The Mechanical Hand, available on their current label, Combat, and the latter on the 2003 release R. Borlax, available from Pluto Records.
Unlike Birdo, I couldn't find a decent screenshot of Cutsman in 8-bit action to link you to, so here's a lovely photo of a Cutsman action figure being held by a zombie.
Unlike Birdo, I couldn't find a decent screenshot of Cutsman in 8-bit action to link you to, so here's a lovely photo of a Cutsman action figure being held by a zombie. While these video game-based songs are all fine and good, I consider one of their best tunes to be "A Million Exploding Suns" from the aforementioned Mechanical Hand. The song tells the story of Robert Reynolds, a fictional Marvel comic book superhero known as the Sentry: a man possessing the power of a "million exploding suns". The all-powerful Sentry is locked in constant conflict with his dark side, a being known as the Void. Taken on their own, of course, the lyrics can have many different meanings; the song is at once narrative and introspective. The subject matter is identifiable if one is a fan of the comic character, but also if one identifies with feelings of duality within oneself. The Sentry is a man who has forgotten part of his past, part of his identity. Every good thing he accomplishes is in danger of being destroyed or nullified by the Void. He is a man who knows that he is great, but is afraid of that greatness and the potential for disaster that comes with it. Aren't we all? It is Winneke's unique ability to blend both personal and fantastic elements together in his lyrics that gives them more depth and profundity than he is usually accredited with.
HORSE the MusicOf course, it doesn't hurt that the instrumentation accompanying these lyrics totally rocks. HORSE's music is both brutally heavy and intricately melodic. Guitarist Dave Isen's propensity for exotic, odd-time riffage gives HORSE's music an edge of technicality that is rarely seen in the genre of "modern hardcore" or whatever you want to call it this week. Many bands claim to be technical, writing off-time riffs and solos that sound just plain wrong. If you're going to write music using unusual time signatures, take a page from Dave's book and make sure it fits with the rest of the song. I've seen this band live maybe four or five times, and as far as I know Dave only has the one pink guitar.
Keyboardist Erik Engstrom uses a vintage Korg MS2000 synthesizer to add even further layers to HORSE's music. His contribution to their music is one of the main things that sets them most apart from other bands in their genre, and yet it is also the element which draws the most criticism from close-minded fans of hardcore music. For every HORSE the Band fan who can't get enough of the computer-like melodies emanating from Erik's mighty machine, there is a naysayer who holds to the belief that keyboards have no place in rock. At times Engstrom's keyboarding
stands at the forefront of the song, taking center stage and forming the basis for the rest of the band to play around. Sometimes the influence of the keys is barely there, content to hang out in the background of the melody and enhance the music from a bit more of a distance. Without keyboards, indeed without Erik Engstrom, HORSE the Band would not be half as interesting or original.Considering how many line-up changes HORSE's rhythm section has gone through over the past five years, it is amazing that they always sound so tight live. Just like their albums, HORSE's live shows are seamless and cohesive. Anyone who has heard and enjoyed any of their recorded music will not be disappointed by a live performance that does not live up to expectations. If anything, their live shows are more exciting due to the sheer volume of energy and intensity HORSE brings to the stage when they play.
HORSE the AnticsIf you haven't personally met any of the members of this band, there isn't much one can say to make you believe how raucous and rowdy these boys can be. Their live performance is truly a thing to behold, but if you don't get the chance to party after the show with these guys, you're missing out. For those deemed uncool and therefore not clued in to where the party is going down, there's always their epic tour DVD entitled Effing 69. Capturing some of the craziest moments from their world tour in support of R. Borlax, this beautiful piece of filmmaking is hilarious, moving, and at moments downright gross. For a band who has caught alot of flack from pretentious hardcore fans over the years for referring to each other as "fags" on stage, there sure is a lot of gay shit going on in the tour video. From Dave's notorious whiskey enema, self administered in front of an apartment full of people, to Erik assisting in the application of Andy's anal suppository, these guys just can't get enough of the homoeroticism. If four grown men in spandex frolicking in a jaccuzi isn't gay, I don't know what is. I think this proves the haters wrong: these guys aren't homophobes. They gay it up just as much as the next guy. They don't use words like "fag" and "homo" in a negative way. Seems to me they're simply stating the obvious more often than not.
Let me tell you a story: HORSE the Band was on tour in support of R. Borlax when they bre
ezed through my hometown and played at an all-ages venue called the Darkroom. The show itself was one to remember, but it was the time afterwards spent trying to keep up with these party machines that was the most fun. My date and I were both excited about seeing these guys live, and let me tell you, there's nothing like having a cute girl on your arm to get the attention of musicians. She quickly arranged for a friend's apartment to serve as a staging area for the band and several show-goers to get rip-roaring trashed. Sweet god these guys are loud. To a man, they are very comfortable being the center of attention in any given situation, and they don't mind putting on a show long after the venue has shut its doors and the gear has been packed away. My date clued them in to the fact that there was an 80s night at one of the bars in town, and the members of HORSE quickly donned the shortest shorts I have ever seen worn by adult men. They were no strangers to accessorizing either, it seemed, for they quickly produced ringed tubesocks and sweatbands and demanded to be taken to where dancing could be done, and libations could be had. For the second time that night, HORSE the Band stole the show. Also, for the first time that night, but I would wager certainly not the first time of the tour, one of their ranks stole my date, who wound up booty-shaking with Dave most of the evening and dropping me off early and then went back to where HORSE was staying to "make sure they had everything they needed." Hey, I don't hold it against them.HORSE the GourmetsEarlier this year, HORSE the Band dropped out of their tour with Portugal. The Man earlier than expected. The band's official reason given for being unable to continue the tour was that they were in Illinois eating authentic Chicago-style pizza. Claiming further that it was the best pizza they'd ever eaten, they announced plans to write and record a five-song EP entitled Pizza in celebration of this wonderful delicacy, consisting of four original songs and a spirited cover of the 90s classic Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles cartoon show theme song. If you haven't already guessed, every song on the EP is in fact about pizza.
After recording Pizza, HORSE the band made several stops on the Vans Warped Tour and played a show or two with legendary shock-metal band GWAR. In the fall of this year HORSE began touring with British power metal band Dragonforce, and they plan to have a new full-length album recorded by the middle of next year. In a recent news post on their official site, the band had this to say about their upcoming third album:
"It is going to be the best album ever. It isn't going to sound like Pizza or The Mechanical Hand, it is going to sound better, with better parts that you can't even conceive of! And we are going to take it to the next level, if you can even believe that!"
I can.
Monday, October 09, 2006
put on your reading glasses and let's learn about zombies
Ever since I was a kid, I have been fascinated by the reanimated dead. The night my childhood friend Josh brought his grainy VHS copy of George A. Romero's original 1968 horror masterpiece Night of the Living Dead over to my house my life was changed forever. Sitting there in my dark bedroom, watching low-tech black and white zombies beat against boarded windows and reach out with desperate, decomposing hands, I knew that there was no going back. I was hooked on zombies like zombies were hooked on the flesh of the living. That sleepless night in sixth grade was the genesis of a lifelong obsession with all things zombie. I began to immerse myself in every bit of zombie lore i could get my hands on, from movies and short films to comics and novels. I simply couldn't escape the nagging feeling that one day this would be the apocalyptic horror my generation would have to face. Fuck nuclear war. To hell with peak oil and worldwide famine. AIDS? Please. I had no time to worry about any of these trifles. One day the dead would get up and start looking for people to munch on. I wanted to be ready.Naturally, there is only so much to be gleaned from fictional film and prose when it comes to preparing yourself for an attack of the living dead. Study those movies and books as much as you like, all you're really going to learn is what not to do. Time and time again I found myself watching the protagonists of these dreary tales get decimated by an unstoppable army of walking corpses. And I always thought the exact same thing. What these people need is a plan. Think about it: almost every living person in any zombie movie winds up getting eaten. People are caught understandably off-guard and given virtually no time to adapt to the new way of the world. What's worse, they spend a great deal of time in denial about what is happening, right up until they get their throat ripped out by their recently-deceased sister-in-law. If you're serious about surviving zombie holocaust, you can't kid yourself about what's happening. And if you're going to be ready, you need to have a plan of action before some partially disassembled, almost certainly smelly heartbeat-challenged individual is lurching toward you with dinner on his mind.
One of the first things I do when I move, after settling in and making my new place feel like home, is take a quick look around the immediate neighborhood and plan my zombie-conscious survival route. How far is it to the nearest grocery store? Is there a gun store nearby? Better get to know those new neighbors. You just might wind up spending a great deal of quality time with them in the event of a zombie infestation. You may wind up prying their weapons from their cold, dead hands to use as your own. You might even wind up knocking their brains loose to prevent them from eating you. So it can't hurt to find out a bit about what sort of people they are.
I'm not the only person I know who is well aware of the fact that zombies are not to be taken lightly. I have a close friend, a political science grad student and a grown man by anyone's standards, who works out in the gym every day. He's not ashamed to tell people he pushes himself to his physical limits because when the dead begin to rise he wants to be ready. He and and I have spent many nights studying the strengths, weaknesses, and behavioral patterns of the walking dead. Trust me, we will both be Good People To Know when dead folk decide to stop lying around and begin taking slow, lumbering steps to improve their standard of non-living.
Luckily, the good people of the Zombie Emergency Response Organization (Z.E.R.O. for short), presumably a division of the Department of Homeland Security, have come up with a way for each and every one of us to empower ourselves and take a proactive approach to humanity's survival. I discovered the Zombie Outbreak Survival Kit by accident as it innocently sat on the action figure rack at my local comic store. Imagine, for a little less than fifteen American dollars I could be the proud owner of a government approved satchel filled with zombie-thwarting goodies. One of the clerks at the store warned me that the kit was a ripoff since it did not include a firearm, but i bought it anyway. I couldn't wait to get home and increase my already impressive bank of knowledge about the undead menace we will almost certainly face one day.At first glance, the Zombie Outbreak Survival Kit looks damn official. Packaged in a no-nonsense green satchel with familiar yellow and black danger striping, and emblazoned on the back with the Z.E.R.O. logo and slogan ("Shoot 'em in the head and they'll stay dead"), and a warning that the kit is only to be opened in emergencies, the kit looks like something that belongs in a dusty crate packed away with MRE's, first aid supplies, and ammo. I was tempted to put it away and save it for that fateful day when it would come in handy, but then i decided to rip it open anyway.
Immediately after popping the seal, the kit warns in bold print that IF YOU'VE OPENED THIS KIT, IT MAY ALREADY BE TOO LATE! but then reassures me that this small package contains everything I will need to survive an infestation of the living dead. The first thing I did was go down the checklist and make sure everything listed was included in the kit I had been issued:
1. 20' Length of "ZOMBIE OUTBREAK" barricade tape
2. 4 warning/hazard signs
3. 8 Zombie classification cards
4. 8 Z.E.R.O. information cards
5. 2 Zombie disposal "toe tags"
6. 1 "IN CASE OF ZOMBIE ATTACK" information poster
7. 1 "Bite Kit" (disinfectant pad and gauze bandage)
8. 1 Z.E.R.O. identification lapel button
9. 1 glow-in-the-dark Z.E.R.O. logo sticker
10. 1 BONUS CD-ROM "Electronic Training Supplement"
Well right off, I'm not overly impressed with the Z.E.R.O.'s efforts. Indeed, no weapons have been included to facilitate the protection of my person against peckish mobile cadavers. The CD-ROM seems like as good a place to start as any, so i popped it into my trusty laptop and waited to be enlightened by the fine folks at Z.E.R.O. I have to say, the "Electronic Training Supplement" left a little something to be desired. Consisting solely of a crudely programmed first-person-shooter style video game, presumably designed to improve my aim with the handgun that Z.E.R.O. did not include in my survival kit, the training supplement is fairly useless. If you don't already know how to shoot, you aren't going to have time to learn once Uncle Ray crawls out of his casket and sta
rts gnawing on your second cousin. I'm of the opinion that a sturdy ball peen hammer is far more reliable and easy to use. Most zombies are not fast enough to be a real threat, and unless you allow yourself to become surrounded, physical altercation can (and certainly should) be avoided altogether. The CD-ROM does include a couple of lovely desktop themes for your computer, but I fail to see how that will help in any way during zombie apocalypse.Moving on to the included warning signs, I notice that the kit also includes smaller versions in the form of stickers. The signs and stickers offer a variety of questionably useful information, from pointing out "zombie disposal units" to warning of bite hazards and pointing out quarantine zones, but I fail to see how any of these signs will help me defeat the undead hordes trying to break their way into my hastily boarded-up apartment. I'll just toss the stickers and signs off to the side along with the very dubious-looking card which passes for my Z.E.R.O. identification badge, and check out the information cards.
KNOW YOUR ZOMBIE
The informative zombie classification flashcards cover seven different classes of reanimant, ranging from bite victims or "viral revenants" who expire from injuries/infection within 12-36 hours of broken-skin contact and reanimate within five minutes to mutilated remains of zombies or "partitioned revenants" who retain awareness and limited movement if not terminated via crainial neutralization. The Class 1 or recently-dead bite victims are by far the most dangerous of the lot, retaining their full pre-reanimation strength and generally being a bit quicker on their feet than their undead cousins. Class 2 viral revenants are defined as those which have been reanimated after death due to trauma and have been shambling along for 3-5 days. These poor souls suffer from rigor and decomposition, not to mention the munchies, and its motor skills and intelligence are somewhat diminished. The classification card warns that some reports claim that even at this stage reanimants may be capable of "learned activity." It is a widely held belief that most zombies retain base instincts centered around whatever they did when they were alive. I guess that's why so many of them tend to congregate in malls.
I guess it wouldn't hurt to mention here, for those that don't know, that anyone who dies during a zombie outbreat will become a zombie. The simple rule of thumb is, once someone goes down for any reason other than considerable head trauma, they cease to be friends, loved ones, etc. They are no longer a "he" or "she" but have indeed become an "it" and will eventually get up and kill. The people it kills get up and kill. The only truly reliable way to put a zombie down for good is to destroy the brain, either by gunshot or other significant trauma.
The other reanimants, labeled as Classes 3-7, are described as various types of interred and uninterred cadavers, and the aforementioned "partitioned revenant." Cutting a zombie in half at the waist will do nothing to ultimately stop its movement or hunger. Even people ripped apart by a horde of hungry ghouls will eventually move around and nibble as best they can, unless some good citizen comes along and knocks a hole in its brain. The zombie classification cards also touch upon the various ways the zombie virus is spread, from broken-skin contact in live victims, to absorption through the soil by interred cadavers and airborne dispersal of the virus to previously uninfected corpses. It is for this reason that Z.E.R.O. strongly warns against the burning of exterminated zombies due to the risk of dispersing the virus back into the atmosphere.
KNOW YOUR GOVERNMENT ORGANIZATIONA second set of flashcards offers information on the various services provided by Z.E.R.O. Each of the organization's four branches are represented: Security, Science & Research, Rescue, and Cadaver Disposal. Security divisions are made up of SWAT-style police or elite military units, equipped with state-of-the-art firepower and light urban assault vehicles. These are the first responders in zombie outbreak situations, responsible for defense of surviving civilians, evacuations, and security for the Science & Research and Rescue divisions. Rescue teams of paramedics and EMTs set up stations at local hospitals and clinics, as well as M.A.S.H. style mobile medical facilities to deal with the injured, including turning over "terminal viral cases" to the Cadaver Disposal division. The Science & Research division provides up-to-date information about reanimant physiology to the other branches. They also work to develop a vaccine against transmission of the reanimation virus, and work closely with the Security branch to "explore military applications of the reanimants themselves." Okay, that's just creepy.
The Cadaver Disposal division or "cleanup crew" boasts that it is the only unit authorized by Health and Safety Act #9980-33 (link to this legislation was unavailable from usa.gov) to properly dispose of zombie cadavers after termination. Their card reiterates the fact that the reanimation virus can spread through airborne transmission, leading to the general prohibition of disposing of terminated reanimants via incineration, which disperses the infection into the atmosphere. Apparently the Cadaver Disposal branch disintegrates these dead-for-real-this-time corpses via Mobile Acid Disintegration (M.A.D.) units. There's a little card for those too.
As I take a moment to carefully file all these little flashcards away with the stickers and signs I've already perused, I have to say that so far this kit isn't proving very useful in terms of helping me survive a zombie infestation. It seems to me that this whole kit is about as useful as duct tape would be during a biological or chemical warfare attack. Sure, the information about the different classes of zombie is somewhat informative, but I fail to see how knowing what the Science & Research division of Z.E.R.O. is up to or a diagram of a Z.E.R.O. Urban Assault Vehicle is going to increase my chances of not being eaten by some lameass who decided to panic instead of run about five minutes ago. I'm beginning to think this whole thing is just some half-assed moral based propaganda packaged designed to make the average citizen feel better about themselves when dead folks start moving about and eating live folks. I've still got a couple items to check out though, so I'm not going to give up on the usefulness of this kit yet.
KNOW THAT YOU ARE ROYALLY SCREWED
Well, I can't say I'm reassured by the handfull of items up for review next. I don't know about you, but I am certainly not going to stop and cordon off an area with ZOMBIE OUTBREAK ZONE barricade tape once the dead start rising. If you aren't observant enough to realize that the dead person walking toward you with outstretched, greedy hands and smacking lips is a threat, well, I just don't think yellow caution tape is going to save you.
Okay, what's next? Bite kit. That goes straight into the trash. I'm serious, I'm not even going to put it back in my "survival" kit. Anyone who knows anything about the reanimated dead knows that if you're bitten by a zombie you are 100% fucked. Might as well go ahead and eat a bullet, because nothing can prevent you from dying a painful, stinky death and then coming back to life ready to dine on your former friends. And honestly, who wants that? Not to mention, if the Z.E.R.O. rescue division gets ahold of you before you expire, they'll just cart you off to a Disintegration unit. Or worse, maybe they'll strap a helmet on you and air-drop you into some foreign country to snack on ethnic types unlucky enough to live near something coveted by the US government.
Last but not least, the IN THE EVENT OF ZOMBIE ATTACK fold-out poster. This seems to be the most informative piece of material in the kit other than the zombie classification cards. It discusses the three steps to surviving infestation: Avoidance, Termination, and Disposal.Avoidance is broken into the subcategories of Evacuate, Relocate, and the poorly-rhymed Do Not Engage! Mostly common sense stuff here. It also tells you what to do in the event of a bite, but i'm not even going to read that part.
The Termination section of the poster is in fact quite educational. It stresses the fact that the ONLY known method of terminating a zombie is cerebral neutralization, either by cranial penetration or blunt force trauma which significantly destroys brain function, or decapitation. It doesn't say so here, but a decapitated zombie head is still a threat if its brain is intact. The damn thing will bite and chew and swallow and go back for more even as the savory morsels of your best friend fall right out of its severed neck. The Termination section also touches on a couple of ways to slow down an attacking zombie, including trauma to the center mass or lower extremities, but reiterates that these are only useful in temporarily stopping a reanimant, and NOT effective termination methods.
The last section of the poster deals with Disposal of terminated zombies, and recommends securing the area with the provided caution tape and slapping a toe tag on the dead-for-the-second-time-today corpse and calling Z.E.R.O. It again warns that exterminated reanimants should not be burned as a means of disposal.
And that's pretty much it. Personally, I don't see how any of this stuff prepares the average citizen for surviving an infestation of reanimated corpses hungry for human flesh. Sure, there's a bit of helpful info here and there, such as the zombie classifications, and I guess the stuff about how to stop a zombie is informative, but that's all common sense stuff as far as i'm concerned. Like knowing how to shoot a gun, if you don't have the above basic knowledge about walking corpses before an outbreak occurs, you're likely to quickly become one of their numbers anyway.
In conclusion, I guess what we learned here today is that in the event of a catastrophic world-altering event such as zombie infestation, you can count on the government just about as much as you can your baby sister to keep you safe. In my opinion, this "survival" kit is meant to keep people calm and make them think they know what is going on. You know, keep the sheep from getting spooked and flying into a panic. I think we all know that when the dead to finally begin to rise, our governments number one priority is going to be weaponization of the undead fiends. They'll use whole towns as experiments. They will sit back and watch the zombies tear us apart, and attempt to figure out a way to make money off of it.
I think much more useful information can be found in the various zombie movies and books mentioned and linked to above. For those of you looking for even more practical information, i recommend checking out the fine website put together by the Federal Zombie and Vampire Agency. Not only are they a great rescource for understanding and dealing with the zombie threat, they also offer comprehensive write-ups on Vampires, Werewolves, and several other monsters that I flatly and whole-heartedly don't believe in.
But the zombies will be here one day. Just you watch.
Sunday, October 08, 2006
Maiden Voyage
Hello reader, and welcome to the introductory installment of Don't Make Me Tell You Again. Here I will be blogging about various events, products, people, and phenomena, pretty much at random. This blog was mainly started as an outlet for the more journalistic style of my creative brain, a place to publish articles and reviews and such. The first actual post will be up very soon, in which i will be reviewing the newly released Zombie Outbreak Survival Kit.
Enjoy!
And weclome.
-Rev. Shawn
Enjoy!
And weclome.
-Rev. Shawn
